“What do you look for in love, and what does love mean to you?”
This question boomed through my computer at full volume as I sat at my apartment table and logged onto Zoom. I frantically connected my headphones. I was generally excited this Monday evening for the second week of ACE and to chat with my Vietnamese and American coaches, albeit tired from a long Monday of the summer internship grind. This week, the Vietnamese coaches started off the evening Zoom sessions with a radio talk show on a topic of their choice. Mai led the evening’s talk show, sitting in her Zoom “box” with a radio background and eager to “interview” a Duke or Stanford student. To say that the talk show grabbed my attention from the beginning would be an understatement. Suddenly I was awake, alert, and intrigued.
Mai cold called one of my closest friends and teammate Elizabeth Reneau (Duke Women’s Cross Country and Track & Field) to answer the question. Elizabeth gave one of the most eloquent responses about the importance of similar values, respect, and commitment in relationships. We could have dissected her answer and talked about how it applied to our program for the rest of the time.
These “random deep moments” happened more often than I expected, and frankly, more often than I was ready for. I think about when we discussed the culture of tanning in the United States and Vietnam and commented on a general tendency towards lighter, fairer skin for people of non-European descent. Or when we all shared our favorite childhood dishes and holiday memories in breakout rooms. I always left the Zoom sessions feeling inspired and well connected to my other Coaches.
About two days after this conversation on love and relationships, we reflected as a group of American coaches on how we could better improve our dialogue with our Vietnamese colleagues. Another Duke student mentioned how easily the Vietnamese coaches brought up ideas for our lessons or asked questions about our own life. We were all incredibly inspired by their bravery and engagement especially over Zoom.
“When limited to Zoom meetings, sometimes deep conversations and hard question asking are the best tools we have.”
– Naima Turbes, Duke Women’s Cross Country and Track and Field
After that conversation something in my mindset for our evening zoom sessions shifted. I began to really appreciate service work and relationship building as an activity, as practice of deep question asking. It was one thing to be open and authentic in answers to questions from the Vietnamese coaches. It was another thing to “bring the same energy” and be equally eager to inquire.
I remember specifically on the third to last day of ACE one of my favorite interactions with Ngyugen. She was my fellow coach for both Biology and our Life Skills group, and I felt honored to get to know her so well over the course of the program. I asked her about her current work schedule and future plans for a job. She explained how she balanced eight hours of class and work on top of that, with a smile on her face the entire time. She loved teaching and just wanted to continue doing it. Even when my own eyelids were heavy and we neared towards by bedtime on some of the later meetings, I never wanted to shy away from a good conversation with Ngyugen, and neither did she.
“When you really know a piece of someone’s story, a piece of someone’s heart or world view. You can’t really let that go.”
– Naima Turbes, Duke Women’s Cross Country and Track and Field
Don’t get me wrong. The little moments are always important too. The lighthearted conversations, the laughs, pictures, or corny jokes. Those are all necessary ingredients for good relationships and for good service work. Zoom didn’t stop that from happening as well. As an example, via Whatsapp and video exchanges we got to see a “day in the life” of each of the American coaches and the Vietnamese students via Whatsapp messaging and video exchanges. But in doing some reflection on my own, I’ve come to realize why I love honest sharing and good deep conversations the most.
They are soul-tying. When you really know a piece of someone’s story, a piece of someone’s heart or world view. You can’t really let that go. On paper, a fruitful Zoom service activity and cultural exchange seems like a lofty idea. We were limited to 2 hours of live interaction with each other a day and no live interaction with the kids, slightly handicapped by Zoom and the missed cultural exchange moments that happen in person.
Yet in a really cool way, we established a base line of trust and understanding with the Vietnamese coaches from day one. For cultural exchange, travel, and cultivating genuine relationships, getting uncomfortable always lies at the center of these interactions. When limited to Zoom meetings, sometimes deep conversations and hard question asking are the best tools we have.